I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
