Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
