This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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