so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
