Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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