I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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