Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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