Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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