I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
