i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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