hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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