My underwear smells like fireworks.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
