I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
