We're facebook friends in real life
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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