Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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