i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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