you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
