I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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