I can tuck mytits in my pants
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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