Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
