I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Randomize