I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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