In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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