Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
