I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I believe in your delicious
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize