I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
