from now on my penis is your penis
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
