Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
