when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
