you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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