I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
