Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
