if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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