When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
