hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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