Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Of course I have a pirate flag
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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