Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
