Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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