I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
