i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
