Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
