I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
sarcasm needs its own font
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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