and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
