you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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