ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
