my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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