Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
