You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
