i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
