Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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