You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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