I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
