If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The air taste purple.
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