Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
