I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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