I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
