smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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