My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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