First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
