My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you had me at cake vodka
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
