Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
