The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she looked like the before picture.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
