I'm so fucking centered right now
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
