i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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