hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need a beard to bite.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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