she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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