Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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