I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
zippers are such a cool invention
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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