I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
