fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You are a genius and a whore.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize