life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Less talking, more tequila
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
