Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
