hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
