I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
